GUARD HUMOR
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This list is a collection of responses made in the rec.arts.marching.colorguard newsgroup to the question; "What is your favorite guard saying?" (The list is in no particular order.)

1.You guys.... where's my sabre? HEY THAT ONE'S MIIINE!
2.Fear is when someone asks "is the guard ready?" and you have to say no
4.Winterguard is broadway on a basketball court only harder!!!
5.Never underestimate people in large groups with weapons
7.When the players tried to take the field...the GUARD refused to yield.......
8.Rifles have nice butts
9.Spin THIS (with a graphic of sabre, rifle and flag
10.I'm too sexy for my sabre (rifle, flag etc.)
11.Color Guard Rocks!"
12.Rifles and Sabres and Flags.... Oh My!!
15.Color Guard Mom (Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, etc....)
22.On the eighth day, God created colorguard....
23.Winterguard is Fall guard without the backup band.....
24.Halftime is a Colorguard show with a backup band that won't stand still...
26.D.I.T.-- Diva In Training
28.Rifles Rule
29.Sabres Soar
30.Flags Fly
31. Flags are always high

Is colorguard your life? Take this quiz to find out!
1) If stranded on a desert island you would need:
a) A saber-to spin, and take out your aggression that you havent been rescued yet
b) music- so you could dance
c) a cell phone so you could call someone and get rescued

2) If someone told you had to either quit colorguard or be shot you would
a) be shot-with out guard you might as well me dead
b) try and fight them off
c) quit

3) Your best friends are:
a) in guard or band
b) some in guard or band some in other activities
c) not in guard at all

4) How many times have you hit yourself with a flag or saber?
a) more times than I can count, but its worth it
b) more times than I care to remember-I hate it when that happens
c) I never hit myself

5) When Winter Guard season ends you:
a) cry
b) sleep
c) rejoice

6) if the world ended tomorrow you would want to be with:
a) your flag and your friends
b) your family and friends
c) your family and dog

7) Your idol is:
a) your guard instructor
b) your big sister(who told you to be in guard)
c) I don't have an idol

8) this webpage shows:
a) dedication!
b) having way too much free time
c) insane obsession

RESULTS! if you picked mostly A's you are a true guard girl spinning is your life and you are proud of it!
If you picked mostly B's, are you considering quitting? you like it but do you LOVE it?
If you picked mostly C's OK, you are not in guard I don't know why you are pretending.

An example of dedication: " I really didn't want to come to school today I was hot I was cold I was hurling but I came because of Color Guard

181 Ways to know if you've been on color guard too long...

1.Your parents lock up all the brooms/pool cues/umbrellas/etc.
2. You spin anything you can get your hands on. pens, mops, etc.
3. You go to attention when someone claps at you in the hallways.
4. Five hours of practice is a blessing.
5. You go to the mall to try to find something new to make your rifle colorful
6. Your light fixture in your room is permanently broken.
7. You've replaced more light bulbs in your room than you can count.
8. Every song you hear, you write guard work to.
9. All your favorite songs have this one part that would be "perfect for a rifle
feature."
10. Your hands are permanently black and blue.
11. You dance down the hallways at school.
12. All the work your instructor writes, you've done before...
13. You can't watch someone else spin next to you without spinning yourself.
14. You protect your weapons like they are your children.
15. You name your equipment.
16. You name your drill spots.
17. As soon as you step onto a football field, you put your head up and smile
at the bleachers, whether or not anyone is there.
18. You can't name all the shows you've done.
19. You can't remember the work from the last show you did.
20. The phrase, "free time" has lost all meaning to you.
21. The band room is your second home.
22. You leave a pillow and blanket in the guard room, just in case.
23. You have a closet full of old guard uniforms, whether you wore them or not.
24. You have a drawer full of guard tee-shirts.
25. All your guard gloves have holes in the palms.
26. You don't go one day without spinning.
27. Doing only 200 drop spins at practice is a blessing.
28. You've run more laps than the track team.
29. You've done more push-ups than the football team.
30. You've slept in the band room.
31. You've gotten undressed in the band room.
32. You'd be at practice, even if you have pneumonia. And you'd be smiling.
33. When people on TV march, you cringe if they're out of step.
34. You know where everything is in the first aid kit.
35. You know that "one more time" never means one more time.
36. After practice, you hang out in the band room to chat with your fellow guard members.
37. You've seen 3 in the morning.
38. When you get home at 1 a.m., you are ecstatic.
39. Your personal motto is "Guard is Life."
40. After high school, you march in college, drum corps, winter guard...etc.
41. You know how to get any kind of stain out of your uniform.
42. Skin tight spandex doesn't faze you anymore.
43. You go out in public wearing practice clothes, and wonder why people look at you funny.
44. You sing songs you've performed to every day of your life.
45. Anyone who can throw a piece of wood with a strap 100 feet in the air and catch it becomes your idol.
46. You and your friends repeat the same phrases over and over.
47. When one member gets sick, you all get sick.
48. You refuse to graduate.
49. You could make one of these lists with little to no effort.
50. You have a permanent sock tan.
51. Your hair is 8 different colors.
52. Your nails don't come past the ends of your fingers.
53. Your toenails have been painted for as long as you can remember.
(Because you're barefoot so much.)
54. A half-hour lunch break is considered long.
55. You start finishing sentences for fellow guard members.
56. When you go out to diners in your uniform after a show, you wonder why the waiter looks at you funny.
57. When you go out to diners with 30 pounds of glitter in your hair, you wonder why there's glitter in your food.
58. You're constantly involved in fund raisers (wanna buy a candy bar?)
59. You know where every high school in your circuit is located.
60. You can smiles genuinly on command.
61. You can catch anything thrown at you.
62. You know the perfect spot for a toss in your favorite songs.
63. You can do your hair and make-up anywhere.
64. You can change into your uniform anywhere.
65. You find yourself designing flags/uniforms/drill in your classes.
66. You've missed more 4th periods than you've been to.
67. You can change, go to the bathroom, and go to your locker in 4.5 min.
68. You laugh like everyone else on your guard.
69. You use two hands to tell your left from your right.
70. You know how many people can be crammed into a minivan.
71. Lycra-spandex has become a permanent part of your closet.
72. You spend more time in the band room than in your house
73. You know how to manage 20 girls and 1 bathroom.
74. You've spent more money on guard fees than you have on your college education.
75. You never could teach your dog to fetch, cuz everything you throw you have to catch yourself.
76. No matter how good your guard is you still get the smallest coverage in the yearbook.
77. The school nurse knows you and your parents by name.
78. Your guard has developed its own language.
79. You know that if you try something weird it might just end up in your show.
80. Your school locker is an uncharted area to you.
81. You went to every school football game but never paid for one.
82. You can arm wrestle anyone and win.
83. You have electrical tape and/or a screwdriver in your backpack.
84. You name your equipment
85. You name your bruises
86. Your ceiling is covered with marks from the rifle you WEREN'T spinning in the house
87. When you get teary-eyed when you have to put your rifle down so you can eat dinner.
88. When you spend all your free time looking for guard-related websites.
89. When people ask about bruises you didn't even notice you had 90. When you have one giant brown grass spot in the backyard from practicing so much
91. When stadium nachos and pop tarts are the breakfast of champions
92. When you look for guards in commercials and movies (in The Fugitive, During the parade, they show a guard. I swear!!!)
93. When you catch yourself switching feet to get back on-step with the background music in the mall
94. When you can never be fashionably late because you show up for everything at least 15 minutes early
95. When the people at Home Depot know you by name.
96. When vending machine food becomes gourmet.
97. When you have to explain to your teachers that you are not staring off into space, you are projecting
98. When you choose a college based on the guard programs nearby
99. When you use guard tape to fix everything
100. When five more minutes Dad turns into a midnight practice
101. When you have seen the same WGI or DCI tape a thousand times and still enjoy it
102. When you love the black stain from new gloves
103. You ride around in a school bus more than in your car
104. You say the pledge of allegiance to YOUR flag
105. You find it easier to fall asleep on a school bus with thirty other girls than in your own bed
106. While your non-guard friend sleep with teddy bears and other various stuffed animals, you sleep with your flag, rifle, and/or sabre
107. You are an expert at assembling backdrops.
108. Finals are a positive thing.
109. You count all music to beats of 6 or 8.
110. You find yourself critqueing every parade you see.
111. You know how many teenage girls you can fit in a hotel room.
112. 4 1/2 hours of sleep before a competition is considered lucky.
113. You know what jell-o arms and legs feel like.
114. Asking your parents for money has reached the extreme.
115. Having your show finished the day before your first competition/performance is considered lucky.
116. You know nothing is ever definite.
117. There's no such thing as a "summer vacation".
118. The smell of sun screen makes you think of band camp.
119. You're the last people to hear about the pep rally and the first the perform at them.
120. You've never actually watched a football game.
121. You can get any teacher to sympathize with you and let you off for that missing assignment.
122. You say guard halt when you want your friends to stop.
123. You have had more pics taken of you than any of your friends.
124. Your personal best is 60 push ups in one day.
125. You have hit yourself in the head w/a flag/rifle/saber more times than you would like to think about or can think about!
126. You've used up all the white out covering up the marks on the ceiling/wall from the rifle you WEREN'T spinning in the house...and need more.
127. When Colorguard is practically all you talk about!
128. When your colorguard friends are all you talk to.
129. When you spend 10-15 hours of your day practicing on spinning!
130. Your out of guard friends have heard so much about guard, they are almost pros at it!
131. When you've left more bruises on band members (especially the drum line!) than on yourself.
132. When it becomes a game to see how many patches and buttons fit on a letterman jacket
133. When Gatorade, cheese balls, and fruit loops is the breakfast of champions
134. When you fold the floor more times than your laundry
135. When the gym/football field is your second home
136. When you forget how to count above 8
137. You make up routines in your head to songs on the radio
138. When you have 10 silks folded in your garage
139. When the blisters on your blisters don't hurt anymore
140. Life? what's that?
141. You only go to football games to see the halftime shows
142. When you catch yourself spinning your pencil in Algebra class.
143. When everyone knows that you are in guard by the t-shirts you wear.
144. When you wake up in the morning and put your dot book or drill charts on not thinking.
145. When you wear your hair slicked back every where you go.
146. you have had the words "left! right! left! right!" repeatedly screamed at you and you are not in the army
147. You toss your flag even when they're 50 m.p.h. winds
148. When you are in English class your teacher yells, "Attention" and you look forward and sit up straight and don't make eye contact with anyone.
149. You love rainy days, because it gives you a chance to spin (your umbrella) in school (And show off too!)
150. Your unguard friends know that you're almost never available to go out
151. When getting new members is the most exciting thing that happened to you.
152. You listen to the judges tapes more then the radio
153. When the only jacket you own has the name of your guard on it
154. When you look forward to getting new gloves
155. When stretches are your favorite part of the day
156. You know how to sleep with the your music on 10 and the bus going 60 mph
157. When you spend more time with the guard then your own family
158. When you have practice 5 days a week and enjoy every second
159. Your friends have heard about your routine so much that they can probably get out on the field and do your routine with you!
160. You have become so accustomed to waking up at 5 am that you do it when you don't have to. (Saturdays, Sundays, days w/ no school or marching practice.)
161. You can march your show in your sleep
162. Seeing how fast you can fold the floor becomes your primary form of entertainment
163. If your room is covered with good luck signs.
164. If you have gotten a black eye from doing a toss!
165. When people ask you about your social life and you say "Oh, you mean my flag.
166. When you can show up to practice in your pajamas and dripping wet and no one notices.
167. When "armed guard" means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
168. Your teacher makes you write on the board, "I will not spin in class" fifty times.
169. When you ask "What is summer vacation?"
170. When you actually like to watch the Rose Parade for the bands, not those stupid balloons
171. The funny smell in the guard room in no longer noticeable to you
172. When you spend all your money at competitions on guard shirts, boxers, etc. instead of food
173. You can mimick all the annoucers in your circuit
174. Have a dresser dedicated to guard unitards socks pantyhouse and silks

175. You start naming equipment with junior after them cause you have run outta name ideas. (ex. a blade named flash and another one named flash jr.)
Erinn - South Carroll High School

176. You feel guilty about dropping ANYTHING.
Megan - Ramona High School

177. Wwhen you can spin with hairline fractures from tosses, and not notice you have them
178. You get exited when they change work 24 hrs. before a big TOB
179. The rule you have broken the most is "you cant date band members!"
180. You get in trouble for spinning your flute/clarinet/picclo/drumsticks in band class!
Alison - Broadneck High School

181. You still get mad when someone says "twirl" instead of spin
Belinda - Rubidoux High School Delta Alliance Corps Alumni




If you have any Color Guard humor you would like to share, please send it to us along with your name and school and we will post it to this page.